Sunday, November 20, 2005


"Can I learn to trust again?", he pondered. Having a past like his makes things a little more difficult, and complicated. His involvement with several bad experiences in relationships has altered his perception of romance, and also brought the realization that romantic relationships are often over-rated. He has many issues to overcome. Oh, he realizes that it's not everybody's fault, and that where he is now is a result of his own doing. However, there's been instances where he knows that it wasn't his fault, and questions rages thru his mind, wondering how he had managed to earn the punishment of hurt and betrayal. Why isn't good repaid with good? Not only is it not repaid, but, it was responded with evil. And evil it was, that caused the wounds that never seem to heal. "Maybe, it's my fault." He thinks to himself, trying to bring a form of justification to the whole incident. He realizes something though. It's not justice that he is seeking, but rather, the understanding to the motive for the wrong that was done. And the more he pondered, the more senseless it became. It made him even more confused, and angry.

Months have passed, but time still doesn't heal the wound. The only relief that he gets is that the memories is slowly getting pushed away by the new experiences. He tries to forget, but just like everyone knows, the harder you try to forget something, the more you'll remember it. He realizes that, but is left with no option or any alternatives. So instead, he tries to fill his time with more activities, such as charitable works, and maybe, just staying late to finish up work at the office. It helps a little, until he gets to the place when he's all alone, and the memories of such rises again from the grave to torment and fill him with grief.

Sometimes in the place of loneliness, he wonders, about the relationships that he had. Did he just jump from one to another to forget the previous one that he had? Did he go in for love, or for the erasure of a past? Why didn't he guard his heart? Why didn't he guard her heart?

Questions, but no answers...

All these while, He has trusted God. However, just like everyone else, he has weaknesses. He wished that he could have trusted God a little more with his relationships. There's been many instances where he knows that God has told him "No", but like a stubborn child, he wanted to prove God wrong. He wanted to pursue the relationship and prove that his "love" could overcome everything. Of course, at that time, he never searched his own heart for the 'real' motive of that pursuit. And in that stubborness, God allowed him to carry out his own plan. The ending is obvious, with more hurts and wounds. Sometimes, he blames God for not doing anything to stop him, but he is quick to repent from that, because he knows very well that God did try to stop him. Soon, guilt rides the silent waves of his heart. Everytime the mind is left alone, these waves of guilt rides in, and when he is alone, he weeps in tears.

Friends and families sometimes comes to give encouragement, and their "piece of mind". It helped sometimes, but most of the time, he knows those words were pretty much empty. He didn't want sympathy, but rather, resolution. He wanted answers to the questions that raged in his heart.

Then one day, as he was spending time with God, the Spirit of God came. There were no audible words, nor any that could be comprehended in the heart. It was a feeling that he could not quite express it with words. Tears streamed down his face as he wondered what was happening. And in the silence of God's presence, he knew this, that he was loved. He knew that God still loved him after his many foul-ups and conscious disobedience to God. There and then, he confessed all of his sins and misdoings. He committed all the past relationships that he had to the hands with marks of nails that once drove right thru it. He asked for forgiveness, and also the strength to forgive and to love those who he has hurt, and those who has hurt him. And the strangest thing happened. God opened his heart to love and be loved again. It was strange because relationships were the last thing on his mind. He for one figured that if he stayed away from them, people won't get hurt. He won't get hurt. But God instead filled his heart with hope for the chance to live the life of love again.

The next morning, as he woke up, he sensed that the sun's rays was much more glorious than yesterdays'. Oh, he's fully aware that night will befall soon. But yet, as he stands by the window and looked up to the sky, he notices how the sun rays were so magical, and how it could breakthru the thickest cloud. Is he more knowledgable about relationships now? Not really. But yet, a new hope arises in his heart. He knows now that the truest form of love can only come from God. So true and mysterious is the love of God, that comprehending it would take us an eternity to achieve. And so, he starts on this new journey. With the past behind him (though not forgotten), he knows who's holding his future. With a new confidence, he looks on with hope. And there, he takes the first step into the unknown, unafraid.

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