Monday, August 28, 2006

A love story... (Conclusion)

For those of you who have been following this story this far, I commend you. I was worried that it might get a bit draggy at first, but my reason for writing this is just to write some of the events that occurred to me in the past few years so as to have something that I can remember by in the years to come.

I last left off in my previous entry somewhere in the year of 2002. I left the good old USA and came back to Malaysia to start life anew. A good friend of mine has managed to help me secure a job at a local assembly plant. My previous 4 years of working in a factory in the states has left me with nothing to prepare me for what's in stored in my new job. Working in Malaysia is just so different. It took me awhile to adapt to the working conditions there. And it wasn't just work that I had to adapt to. I was even getting stressed driving on the road. I could not get use to Malaysian drivers who were obnoxiously rude and inconsiderate on the road. I recalled visiting a doctor and he told me that my blood pressure had gone up in the 2 months of working. I wasn't surprised, as I was really getting stressed out from all angles. Even at church, I was having trouble there. Things were not going well as I planned it to be.

And all this begin to affect my relationship with Angeline. She came back during the winter of 2002 for a short break. Things actually went well between us during that time. I recalled buying her a diamond ring before she left. But when 2003 came, we begin to drift apart. I'd blame my job for the strain, but the truth was, it me who was not being able to handle the pressure of this new environment. Living with my family was also proving to be difficult. I recalled having several arguments with mom, and my younger brother at that point of time was just testing my patience to all levels. I literally broke down. During that time, Angeline was beginning to ask me about our future together. She wanted to know if there were any wedding bells in the near future. I said yes, but I told her I wouldn't know when. I told her that it'd be a great if she were to return home after her graduation, get a job, then we could plan our wedding. She insisted that the wedding should be planned first before others. I could not comply to her demands, and she could not with mine. This 'discussion' eventually became a full-blown argument which lasted for about a month. In July of 2003, I decided that I've had enough. I was being weary of attacks from all angles. Even Angeline was in my eyes 'attacking' me. I felt alone. And I was fed-up. I pulled the plug from our 5 year relationship and told her that I want out. She then pleaded for me to reconsider. I was adamant and did not want to reconsider anymore. I've had enough. I was tired and hurt. A few days later, Angeline called me again, and while crying, pleaded for me to reconsider our relationship. I recalled just cooly telling her on the phone 'no'. And I asked her to stop calling me.

What I've learned later in the years to come from other friends was that Angeline was devastated with the break-up. She had put her all in the relationship. In fact, months before her graduation, she had spent lots of money to acquire household items such as bedspreads, comforters, pots and pans that she planned to furnish our new home with. When I broke off the relationship, she just like totally lost all hope. She was totally crushed, because she never imagined that I would abandon her.

On my side, I erased every memory of her from my life. I deleted her emails, contact from ICQ, and any trace of her from my PC. I removed all the photos of her that I've had in my house and stashed them someplace else. Any item that reminded me of her was gone, and out of my life. It was difficult for me, but I knew I had to do it because 5 years of memories is a long time. And Angeline was my first real love, but I needed to forget her and move on.

When my mom came to know about it, she scolded me about it. She questioned me on my reasons, but I just gave her some stupid reasons to shut her up. Even my grandma was unhappy with my decision. My grandma had met Angeline on a few occasions, and immediately also fell in love with her. So now, not only did I disappoint Angeline, but everyone else in my family, and her family also. Angeline's mom even called me to ask me to reconsider. I refused. I was already too deep in my decision. I refused to listen to anybody else's advice or viewpoint.

However, a few months later after breaking up with her, I begin to miss her again. There were a few occasions that I'd ponder of whether I've made the right choice, or whether it was just a prideful mistake. I didn't dare to think about it, and I was too proud to change my mind. But deep inside, I missed her. I felt so alone then.

And it was in this emotion that I ended up in an unwanted relationship. It lasted for about 6 months before somebody from church with guts decided to ask me what am I doing. I then came to a place and begin to realize that I was in that relationship not because of love, but out of selfish reasons. I broke that relationship in July of 2004.

In 2005, I ended up in another relationship with a non-Christian. By this time, I've already given up on the ideals of 'Christian relationships'. I was at a place where I tried to convince myself that I should not take the bible's saying of 'unequally yoke' too literally. I justified my situation, and I gave in to my flesh. Some people from church came again to ask me what I'm doing. I just shut them up with some stupid reasons again. However, this relationship lasted about 3 months before she decided that it was going no where, and broke it up with me. I was crushed then. But somewhere deep inside me, I knew I deserved it for all that I've done to the people that loved me in my life.

This had to be the lowest point of my life. I begin to question myself. I questioned God. I recalled sitting one night alone on my bedroom floor. I asked God why is this happening to me. And then, I begin to cry my guts out. I felt so ashamed of what I've done. My heart was just filled with regrets and hurts. I hated myself and I came to a place wondering if there was any hope left for me. I pleaded for God to forgive me. But nothing came. My face was stained with tears and my nose and throat choked with phlegm. I yearned so much for His peace and love. But nothing came. I thought God has left me. But He didn't. He was there. In fact, He was doing all He can to prevent me from doing something stupid.

In case you didn't realize, we're actually already in 2005. That's like 2 years since I've broken up with Angeline. Angeline had went on to join YWAM in 2004 and eventually became a staff there. We actually have met on 2 occasions. I recalled in 2004 when she dropped by in KL, and I went there to meet her because I needed to pass her keyboard (which I was keeping at my house until then) to her. It was an interesting meeting because I recalled sitting down with her at one of the cafes in the airport, and before we left, I told her I was wrong, and asked her to forgive me. She said she has forgiven me long ago. We also managed to pray before leaving our separate ways.

Coming back now to 2005, me sitting and sobbing on my bedroom floor. And out of nowhere, the thought of Angeline came back to me. Until today, I don't even know how it happened. Except for the 2 brief meetings in the 2 years we've broken up, we totally excommunicated each other, well, at least I did. We've not been talking or even emailing. Whatever news that I knew of her were from friends, and vice versa. And yet, out of nowhere, memories of her begin to fill my mind. I begin to realize that I actually do miss her a lot still, even after these 2 years.

It was also during then that I begin to seek God to ask Him what these all means. I've been thru tragic relationships, and I did not want to get involved with any of that again. It was during this time that God begin to show me the significance of being selfless in a relationship. This is something we all know too well in theory, but so little of it in practice. I begin to examine myself, my motives, and before I knew it, I was talking to Zoe and asking her bout Angeline. Zoe had been Angeline's closest comrade, being with her through the happiest and darkest moments of her life. It's funny that I could communicate with Zoe, but dare not even send Angeline an email. I recalled asking Zoe if Angeline was with somebody else already. Zoe told me no. That little glimmer of hope made me smile, until she said that Angeline was actually still considering a certain person. Then, I was like, oh well, at least I tried. But over the next few months in the mid of 2005, I talked to Zoe and told her of what I've been through in the past 2 years. I confessed to her of my stupidity in some of my decisions, and she listened with much sympathy for me. Who knew, that a while later, she began to talk to Angeline about me. And before long, Zoe passed me her MSN contact and I made contact with Angeline after 2 years.

It was awkward at first. She didn't really want to talk to me. I was trying to be friendly, but I guess she might have thought that I was weird. But little by little, our conversations thru the MSN which generated about 30MB of chat files allowed us to see a part of each other that we never saw before. I learned so much of her that I never knew before and so did she of me. A couple months of chatting then led me to confess my feelings for her. At first, she saw no possibility of anything good happening with us anymore. She was a missionary in Hong Kong. I was a salesman in Malaysia. It was like "For what do missions and sales have in common..." (2 Corinthians 5:14) to her. Her heart was already sold to the lost souls in China. And she knew that I couldn't, and probably even if I wanted to, wasn't ready to go where she wanted to go. Which was true, in a sense.

However, I told her to keep her mind open, and that I wasn't forcing her for a decision, but just for a consideration. In fact at that point of time, I myself was actually even convinced that this could never happen. But something just kept pushing me and making me take the risk.

November 2005, KLIA. Angeline was on furlough and was passing through KLIA during her 2 weeks break. It's been so long since I've last seen her, and even longer that I've last desired her so much. When she showed up at the arrival gate, it was awkward at first, but we quickly got reacquainted again. I took opportunity of every single moment during her transit time to just talk to her. And it was during then that Angeline told me "I've thought much about your proposal, and I think it could actually work." I was at first aghast. That's because I didn't hear it right. Then when it hit my head, I nearly fainted. I asked her to clarify herself again. Then she said "you know, you and me, i think it could work out". I wanted to ask her to clarify again, but I knew she did punch me for asking her to repeat it so many times. I was elated. Elated could not even describe what I felt. I was just dumbstruck happy. And it was in that fateful airport, that I laid a plan before her, which include marriage and life together serving God full in ministry. She was excited of it as I was.

Angeline went back to Hong Kong that November, and we continued to communicate through the internet until February of 2006, when I went over to Hong Kong with a ring, and proposed to take her as my wife. We then planned for our wedding to fall on the 11th of November this year. It has not happened yet, but we're already so happy that we could be together and look forward to a future together.

In case you haven't realized, this love story is not about me and Angeline, but it is actually the love of my heavenly Father, who through it all, have given me second chances after second chances to start anew. His immeasurable mercies that has been poured out from the cross which my Savior had died to forgive my sins was the only thing that kept me going each and every time I fell. And it was thru the love of Christ that Angeline could actually forgive me, and also give me a 2nd chance to be with her.

I love Angeline now more than I ever have in the past 7 years. This is because I've begin to understand the love of my Father. And it is His love, that actually allowed me to love Angeline more than I ever could on my own. Someone once asked me who I'd look for as a life partner. I replied "someone who loves God more than me". I can never sustain my love for Angeline on my own. But as long as both us continue to remain in God's love, I know that we can definitely go through anything.

Thank you for taking time to read all these. I pray that God will also in your own life, tell His love story to you.

The End...?

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